hmmm, for some strange reason i felt like blogging today. it was ages since the last time i did. i think it had something to do with xiao ning mentioning her diary entries.

anyhows, today was just one of those days (which seem to come ever so often nowadays) where i seem to feel i have no friends. not enough friends. not enough close friends. not enough non-medicine friends. heck, not enough medicine friends - those i wanna get to know and those existing ones who i just can't quite seem to feel close to. i hope this does not offend anyone but this issue isn't apparent when i have busy postings like o&g or paediatrics. i'm not saying anaesthesia is slack, but it is a posting that presents an opportunity for more time reflecting and pondering.

i have this problem getting close to people. in fact, most people who think they're close to me, are in actual fact, not the same people i would call up in my moment of need. i dun understand what's wrong with me and i still can't quite comprehend how to deal with this. all i know is that it mostly manifests as loneliness. fortunately, for us girls, this posts less of an issue because we always have girlfriends we can call up for emotional maintenance...

it's just that my life does not seem to be progressing forward, it's just a continuous cycle of me staying in this comfort zone. ok, perhaps all this thought provocation was a result of the 2012 movie today. if the world were to come to an end tomorrow, would you be happy with what you achieved so far in life? whether it be with your studies, work, family, friends, relationships - would you be contented or satisfied? i just know i sure ain't gonna feel that way. every year seems to just feel like another wasted year of slogging to become a doctor. despite the progress in medical knowledge, i don't really feel the progress in exposure to the world, to the news around us, to emotions, to life OUTSIDE medicine, in general.

what would i like to achieve outside of medicine, i then ask myself. broader general knowledge for sure, more life skills (i.e. becoming more street-smart, how to go about doing that?), more friends who can broaden my horizon... i don't mean simple things like picking up a new dance, learning a new language (although i think these things would help) but like on a larger scale, bigger perspective. the problem is: after being in medicine for 4 years, i don't really know what i am actually missing out out there.

which brings us to the next point at hand, which my 2 friends have graciously and adamantly pointed out today, medicine people live in a world of their own. oh my gosh, i'm going to offend so many people with this post... i'm counting on the presumption that no one reads my blog anymore because it's been dead for... i can't even remember how long. anyways, i was saying that point because: just picture a scenario with 2 medicine persons just having a friendly social chat. they are very likely to talk about the medicine experience they had on a prior day. say you put 2 medicine persons and one other person outside this faculty together, they will still continue to talk in their medical lingo to each other, with an occasional awareness to include the last person in their in conversation. then consider a case where a whole bunch of say, jc friends meet up, the medicine people will subconsciously bunch together and start discussing about medicine. worse still, nowadays, only medicine people mix with medicine people! how is it that i find this a very big issue but many of my other contemporaries in the field do not see it so?

so how do i deal with this? just spend most of my days with medicine people? or spend it with non-medicine people? which frankly, i must say, is a pool of friends that is rapidly dwindling, for reasons not apparent to me. or as it has been for the past 4 months, hiding under thick stacks of books and the continuous excuse of being busy keeping up with work. i do not have the "SOAP" to this, i.e. Subjective, Objective, Assessment and Plan. sorry, it's the medicine half of me talking.

sigh, blog posts are always about rambling and unresolved conclusions. at least for me, they are. and i do reiterate, i hope no one reads this post. i just can't find a hard copy outlet to voice this out. it's nice to type out my thoughts anyhows.

omg i'm going crazy, haha...... i remember telling someone that i only blog when i'm moody. but this post is different! i just watched definitely, maybe and omg, it's uber sweeeeeeettt.... i can't believe i'm such a sucker for such shows. haha, the little girl was so cute (it's my 2nd time watching) and isla fisher is sooooooo pretty. :)

ok, i'm going to make my milo now. or maybe make my sis do it for me.

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
'Cause I'm getting tired of
pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours you can hold me
I'm empty and aching and
tumbling and braking

[ Chorus ] :
'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/FAqL ]
That I dream a million sleepless nights
But I dream of fire when
you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when
I turn on the lights
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends

[ Chorus ]

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
that I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see through and
not enough to you

[ Chorus ] x2



I can't find the real mtv or any mp3 streams, but this video is quite sweetly apt.

This song is even more beautiful, try to ignore how michael jackson looks so eerily pale. In fact, just don't watch the mtv, just hear the song. It's really numbing. :)



Sorry to the people i pissed off today, or the people who i was really moody to. I knew i was being moody and pms-y, but cliche as it may sound, i really could not control it. I FELT moody and just decided to keep quiet most of the time. I don't handle moodiness well and i dunno what would be a better way of handling it other than keeping quiet. I don't like to become quarrelsome or bitchy, but i just stay really quiet and temperamental (like 1 moment hyper, next moment moody) so i hope i didn't frighten or piss anyone off. Normally, there'll be some trigger to set it off but it was unusually harsh today. Shrugs, i'm glad to be home now, chilling. Anyways, the 2 songs above are currently my gushy songs :) which reminds me, i met the cutest MO i have EVER seen, he is so freaking cute! Haha.

Hmmmm.... i have no idea what to say or think now. Somedays my emotions are at a high, somedays they're at a all time low. Be it the workload, just thinking about the workload, and thinking about how inn can go shop for a bikini to bask in the sun next month while i rot away, is enough to cramp up anyone's style. Not to mention, the day to "look forward" to, to meet everyone in school ends at 6pm does not brighten up one's day at all.

And the movie "wanted" is so bad, i cough at its release. How can anyone come up with such a terrible plot, and how can names like James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman ever agree to such a horrible story i cannot comprehend. Basically, it sucks, so dun waste your money watching it. That aside, meeting anyone that does not involve some sort of "what hospital are you in now" exchange is enough to make me happy. Not to say that i dun like medicine people, that you've got it wrong, i miss medicine people. A great deal. It's just that seeing them makes me think of work, and I HATE thinking of work.

It was nice to see the movie gang again and i have made a mental note not to be caught out in my lab coat on wednesday when bala pops around. Haha.

I have reached a tinge of numbness where i have things to say and complain about, but when i meet up with friends close enough to ramble all these to, i just zone out and think of what nice movie should i catch next. Sometimes, i just think, they're not going to understand me, so why bother saying. Perhaps, this is why medicine people are dubbed "elitist" or just very "lonely" people. Which i have to say, i do not completely disagree.

What a weekend. The best part of it, honestly, besides spending a whole pile of time out and not studying (as i kept telling myself that i had to, but to no avail), i caught up on some MUCH NEEDED sleepy time. Seriously, i slept a good part of Saturday afternoon away, haha, perhaps that's why i'm a night person.

Ok, now is the time to take a deep breath in to prepare for the new hectic week ahead at TTSH. Work work work. Study study study. Someone teach me how to save myself.

Wheeeee.... ok i have pictures but chao lazy to put them up.

1st up i wanna say that it was so much fun with the girls. I haven't seen everyone in such a long time that i nearly forgot what it was like to spend time with yall. (And no, individually spending time with inn and jean is different). Ideally, we should have gone jean's house to chill but i had to get my dad's birthday presents cos the 1st 2 attempts shopping with jean was fruitless, haha, though that girl did get a lot of things. Of course overlooking the fact that i missed the tanning session with you guys (grrrr....), the rest of the day was fun, regardless of not having the car.

Which brings to mind my next point, which is my daddy's birthday, i'm going to celebrate it later at mint, with the new chef, for dinner. But seeing as it has already hit 1.46am, we wished him happy birthday all the same. I got him a short-sleeved shirt from british india + book on terraces, balconies and patios + book on living room decor in my enthusiastic attempt to encourage him into rebuilding the house (then i can have my own room and invite friends over! oh man, how lovely would that be?). I quote my sister who quoted him, "We will rebuild the house at the end of the year." From past experience, I have known him to procrastinate, (trust me, he promised the museum since i was in primary 6, it ONLY opened when i was in j2), but all the same, a little girl can hope right?

I must mention that (mostly, as affirmation to myself because my dad wun read this) i really love my family a lot and appreciate everything they have done for me, i am a very fortunate young girl. I may not say it out loud, but i am extremely thankful for everything i have. For having a happy family (not always, but sufficient), for having parents, especially my dad for putting up with my willfulness at times, my going out till late and heavy consumption of the petrol tank, skipping bonding family dinners at home just to have fun with friends outside. Yes, thank daddy, i love you always and thank you for not reprimanding me when i dunno my limits (haha, no pun intended).

Then there was tonight, which was a lot of fun. Truth be told, i always have fun when i go out with "kkk". Haha, we did something totally spontaneous after our merchant court dinner which was to drive to mount faber. I must admit, that thought occurred to me because the night i went for the southern ridges trail with my cg, i really thought that place was beautiful, especially at night. There was the long winding road to drive on, which was absolutely tempting. Though finding the way there was a nightmare (we went around in circles) but getting there, seeing the scenery, or what i could catch of it while driving plus having a drink down at the hilltop really reminded me of europe at that instant. The lit skyline, coupled with the rain ambience was simply breath-taking, in fact, if the other guys didn't kindly offer to shelter me with their umbrellas, i wouldn't mind walking in the rain, all the way to henderson waves in fact. I can't seem to capture succinctly in words, what i was feeling at that hilltop, but i think that feeling would have been overwhelming if i had someone i love beside me at that time. :) Jeanie, you're going love it.... u should seriously go there with him.

Anyways, talking to my bro about medicine now also got me a bit worried, for him and for myself. He's got a lot of shit going on and i'm just glad to be holidaying now though the mental pressure is mounting. But i know all of us can handle it. I dunno how, but we always take 1 hurdle at a time right. Be it having to handle medicine osce and then patho exams, i think we have the perseverance to get through it. I must take this chance to say that I have never regretted joining medicine, whether for the course or for the friends. :)

There is something wrong with me today, i just feel like typing out all these weird mixed feelings about my life in 1 post. I totally think it's the scenery at mount faber... it cracking me open. I cannot shake off some of the things inn mentioned to me the other day... like: do i really portray myself as someone who only knows how to have fun and not be serious? Perhaps even my closer friends may think that. I do remember john mentioning something about this at yao's house before, something about i'm hiding behind a facade of playing while escaping reality. I do wonder about that at times, and i wonder what i'm running away from and why do i put across that image? I like hanging out with friends, a lot. Some may say going out everyday with different groups of friends is excessive, or that i'm "playing" too much, but the simple fact behind it is that i'm afraid of being alone. I dun need someone to look after me all the time (which leed and bw tend to do sometimes) but i just need someone there. You know what i mean, i can't describe it. And i must add, that i have this huge problem opening up to people, not like the nicole-kind of problem opening up, it's the "i tell you stuff but actually i'm not telling you anything important though it may sound important and personal". I dunno when i've grown to be like that but i guess it gets worse as i grow older. Haha, i can't shake this off, i think it's a protective mechanism of mine. Hmmm.... perhaps i should have a good chat with the girls. Which is not going to come, cos jean has work starting soon and smart inn has decided to pick the time jean and i are free, to work.

I wish nic is here sometimes. I wish my bro is here too. But jean is back, that's comforting. Ok, i'm rambling now. Who says blogging is not therapeutic? Of course, driving near esplanade by the bay at night, on the way home is therapeutic too, but who has so much petrol to waste?

Now i have to start thinking what to do for my 21st? I dun think having all my friends under the same roof is my idea of a memorable time. Yes, damian's party was a good testament to that. But, i think my different cliques of friends represent different sides of me, because i act very differently with each of them, and having them all together at once is going to get me confused. So, i have no idea what to do. I thought it'd be perfect timing seeing as my birthday would be directly after patho exam, everyone in med would be in a party mood, but i still dunno what to do. Ahhhh, whatever, it's inconsequential, as long as i have my close friends with me, i'm happy. See? Who says i'm a difficult girl to satisfy? Haha.

Peishan is flying back this thurs and yus is flying off on friday, i guess it's fated. Bad luck that the girls can't even completely meet during the hols. And bad luck i can't go for bintan or phuket. I reeeeeeeeally wanna go for the phuket trip, it's going to be water sports and everyone going there is very funny! But it's on 18 july... :( Sigh, looks like the girls' melbourne trip is a no go too, sorry girls, please don't be too disappointed. I quote wincent,"med students aint supposed to hav hols, cmon everyone knows tt," doesn't that just sum everything up? I really long for the day, we can just fly off together in a SIA plane to nic's apartment and chill indoors talking, getting up early to visit the sites and her school campus. Omg, just typing about it makes me immensely sad that it can't happen. To me, that would have been the best birthday present of all.

Ah well, i'll just make the most out of the holidays i have now. :)

It’s a given that I’m pretty egotistical to have so many rounds of my face plastered on my blog but then again, isn’t that what a blog is for? Me, myself and I. Anyways, that was not the point for this design. It’s just that I was looking through my iPhoto library and was pleasantly surprised by the fond memories I have accumulated. In addition to that, a futile attempt was made by yours truly to cover up the faces by adding all kinds of funny effects to it and hence the end resultis: huipei’s new
blog design. Hahaha, I’m weird.

So, we pick up from where we left off, i.e the temporary end of clinics for m2s! Note the word temporary because m3 does beckon in about 2 weeks time. Perhaps it’s not such a bad idea to have all my planned trips not work out, besides catching up some sleep, spending time with my family, especially my dad, whose birthday is approaching, i can catch up on some mangas and series :). Then there were the 21st birthdays, 5 birthday parties over the weekend is a record for me, haha. Sam’s and Damian’s parties were a blast, probably because I missed the anat group quite a bit, particularly since it’s almost impossible to organise any semblance of an outing for them. Makes me rethink whether a 21st party is not such a bad idea after all. Hmm..... Food for thought. Anyway, there are some shots of the party which i'll add later, mostly taken from Peishan’s camera.

One point I must note though is that I’m extremely sorry to be late for Chin Bock’s and Gowri’s parties but i guess it turned out ok in the end. Really bad timing, it is. All the same, it’s a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside to see your friends all so happy at their 21st. Then there was the cg outing on monday which i must add, is pretty successful. Everyone turned out except JT, though Boo skipped kbox and Zhiyong skipped the trail. The trail was breathtaking at certain spots, my favourite was the forest walk and henderson waves i think, the lighting was simply marvellous! Very romantic indeed, boys out there just bring a potential girlfriend there and perhaps, if you’re good, you’ll get her by the end of the walk. Haha. For a moment, i was reminded of the europe trek. Ah well, fond memories. All I have to go on during this holiday, seeing that I do not have the luxury to travel.

Another wonderful thing that happened is of course silly Jean’s reappearance without warning me and Inn! She has longer hair now, which I must comment is much nicer, though I can just picture her now begging to differ. I miss Nic! Haha, or maybe I’m missing the juicy news she could be providing me now with... I think it’s SATC, it’s gotten me all teary and vulnerable inside. :)

Ok I'll continue with the post tomorrow or something. It's 4.51am and I'm pushing my biological clock...