hmmm, for some strange reason i felt like blogging today. it was ages since the last time i did. i think it had something to do with xiao ning mentioning her diary entries.

anyhows, today was just one of those days (which seem to come ever so often nowadays) where i seem to feel i have no friends. not enough friends. not enough close friends. not enough non-medicine friends. heck, not enough medicine friends - those i wanna get to know and those existing ones who i just can't quite seem to feel close to. i hope this does not offend anyone but this issue isn't apparent when i have busy postings like o&g or paediatrics. i'm not saying anaesthesia is slack, but it is a posting that presents an opportunity for more time reflecting and pondering.

i have this problem getting close to people. in fact, most people who think they're close to me, are in actual fact, not the same people i would call up in my moment of need. i dun understand what's wrong with me and i still can't quite comprehend how to deal with this. all i know is that it mostly manifests as loneliness. fortunately, for us girls, this posts less of an issue because we always have girlfriends we can call up for emotional maintenance...

it's just that my life does not seem to be progressing forward, it's just a continuous cycle of me staying in this comfort zone. ok, perhaps all this thought provocation was a result of the 2012 movie today. if the world were to come to an end tomorrow, would you be happy with what you achieved so far in life? whether it be with your studies, work, family, friends, relationships - would you be contented or satisfied? i just know i sure ain't gonna feel that way. every year seems to just feel like another wasted year of slogging to become a doctor. despite the progress in medical knowledge, i don't really feel the progress in exposure to the world, to the news around us, to emotions, to life OUTSIDE medicine, in general.

what would i like to achieve outside of medicine, i then ask myself. broader general knowledge for sure, more life skills (i.e. becoming more street-smart, how to go about doing that?), more friends who can broaden my horizon... i don't mean simple things like picking up a new dance, learning a new language (although i think these things would help) but like on a larger scale, bigger perspective. the problem is: after being in medicine for 4 years, i don't really know what i am actually missing out out there.

which brings us to the next point at hand, which my 2 friends have graciously and adamantly pointed out today, medicine people live in a world of their own. oh my gosh, i'm going to offend so many people with this post... i'm counting on the presumption that no one reads my blog anymore because it's been dead for... i can't even remember how long. anyways, i was saying that point because: just picture a scenario with 2 medicine persons just having a friendly social chat. they are very likely to talk about the medicine experience they had on a prior day. say you put 2 medicine persons and one other person outside this faculty together, they will still continue to talk in their medical lingo to each other, with an occasional awareness to include the last person in their in conversation. then consider a case where a whole bunch of say, jc friends meet up, the medicine people will subconsciously bunch together and start discussing about medicine. worse still, nowadays, only medicine people mix with medicine people! how is it that i find this a very big issue but many of my other contemporaries in the field do not see it so?

so how do i deal with this? just spend most of my days with medicine people? or spend it with non-medicine people? which frankly, i must say, is a pool of friends that is rapidly dwindling, for reasons not apparent to me. or as it has been for the past 4 months, hiding under thick stacks of books and the continuous excuse of being busy keeping up with work. i do not have the "SOAP" to this, i.e. Subjective, Objective, Assessment and Plan. sorry, it's the medicine half of me talking.

sigh, blog posts are always about rambling and unresolved conclusions. at least for me, they are. and i do reiterate, i hope no one reads this post. i just can't find a hard copy outlet to voice this out. it's nice to type out my thoughts anyhows.