they sell it!

haha, decided to re-start blogging. probably because i'm getting my blackberry soon! hence the sudden enthusiasm to rant about my life again. )

hmmm... it's not fussy. really. it's unlucky.

hmmm, for some strange reason i felt like blogging today. it was ages since the last time i did. i think it had something to do with xiao ning mentioning her diary entries.

anyhows, today was just one of those days (which seem to come ever so often nowadays) where i seem to feel i have no friends. not enough friends. not enough close friends. not enough non-medicine friends. heck, not enough medicine friends - those i wanna get to know and those existing ones who i just can't quite seem to feel close to. i hope this does not offend anyone but this issue isn't apparent when i have busy postings like o&g or paediatrics. i'm not saying anaesthesia is slack, but it is a posting that presents an opportunity for more time reflecting and pondering.

i have this problem getting close to people. in fact, most people who think they're close to me, are in actual fact, not the same people i would call up in my moment of need. i dun understand what's wrong with me and i still can't quite comprehend how to deal with this. all i know is that it mostly manifests as loneliness. fortunately, for us girls, this posts less of an issue because we always have girlfriends we can call up for emotional maintenance...

it's just that my life does not seem to be progressing forward, it's just a continuous cycle of me staying in this comfort zone. ok, perhaps all this thought provocation was a result of the 2012 movie today. if the world were to come to an end tomorrow, would you be happy with what you achieved so far in life? whether it be with your studies, work, family, friends, relationships - would you be contented or satisfied? i just know i sure ain't gonna feel that way. every year seems to just feel like another wasted year of slogging to become a doctor. despite the progress in medical knowledge, i don't really feel the progress in exposure to the world, to the news around us, to emotions, to life OUTSIDE medicine, in general.

what would i like to achieve outside of medicine, i then ask myself. broader general knowledge for sure, more life skills (i.e. becoming more street-smart, how to go about doing that?), more friends who can broaden my horizon... i don't mean simple things like picking up a new dance, learning a new language (although i think these things would help) but like on a larger scale, bigger perspective. the problem is: after being in medicine for 4 years, i don't really know what i am actually missing out out there.

which brings us to the next point at hand, which my 2 friends have graciously and adamantly pointed out today, medicine people live in a world of their own. oh my gosh, i'm going to offend so many people with this post... i'm counting on the presumption that no one reads my blog anymore because it's been dead for... i can't even remember how long. anyways, i was saying that point because: just picture a scenario with 2 medicine persons just having a friendly social chat. they are very likely to talk about the medicine experience they had on a prior day. say you put 2 medicine persons and one other person outside this faculty together, they will still continue to talk in their medical lingo to each other, with an occasional awareness to include the last person in their in conversation. then consider a case where a whole bunch of say, jc friends meet up, the medicine people will subconsciously bunch together and start discussing about medicine. worse still, nowadays, only medicine people mix with medicine people! how is it that i find this a very big issue but many of my other contemporaries in the field do not see it so?

so how do i deal with this? just spend most of my days with medicine people? or spend it with non-medicine people? which frankly, i must say, is a pool of friends that is rapidly dwindling, for reasons not apparent to me. or as it has been for the past 4 months, hiding under thick stacks of books and the continuous excuse of being busy keeping up with work. i do not have the "SOAP" to this, i.e. Subjective, Objective, Assessment and Plan. sorry, it's the medicine half of me talking.

sigh, blog posts are always about rambling and unresolved conclusions. at least for me, they are. and i do reiterate, i hope no one reads this post. i just can't find a hard copy outlet to voice this out. it's nice to type out my thoughts anyhows.

omg i'm going crazy, haha...... i remember telling someone that i only blog when i'm moody. but this post is different! i just watched definitely, maybe and omg, it's uber sweeeeeeettt.... i can't believe i'm such a sucker for such shows. haha, the little girl was so cute (it's my 2nd time watching) and isla fisher is sooooooo pretty. :)

ok, i'm going to make my milo now. or maybe make my sis do it for me.

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
'Cause I'm getting tired of
pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours you can hold me
I'm empty and aching and
tumbling and braking

[ Chorus ] :
'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/FAqL ]
That I dream a million sleepless nights
But I dream of fire when
you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when
I turn on the lights
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends

[ Chorus ]

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
that I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see through and
not enough to you

[ Chorus ] x2



I can't find the real mtv or any mp3 streams, but this video is quite sweetly apt.

This song is even more beautiful, try to ignore how michael jackson looks so eerily pale. In fact, just don't watch the mtv, just hear the song. It's really numbing. :)



Sorry to the people i pissed off today, or the people who i was really moody to. I knew i was being moody and pms-y, but cliche as it may sound, i really could not control it. I FELT moody and just decided to keep quiet most of the time. I don't handle moodiness well and i dunno what would be a better way of handling it other than keeping quiet. I don't like to become quarrelsome or bitchy, but i just stay really quiet and temperamental (like 1 moment hyper, next moment moody) so i hope i didn't frighten or piss anyone off. Normally, there'll be some trigger to set it off but it was unusually harsh today. Shrugs, i'm glad to be home now, chilling. Anyways, the 2 songs above are currently my gushy songs :) which reminds me, i met the cutest MO i have EVER seen, he is so freaking cute! Haha.

Hmmmm.... i have no idea what to say or think now. Somedays my emotions are at a high, somedays they're at a all time low. Be it the workload, just thinking about the workload, and thinking about how inn can go shop for a bikini to bask in the sun next month while i rot away, is enough to cramp up anyone's style. Not to mention, the day to "look forward" to, to meet everyone in school ends at 6pm does not brighten up one's day at all.

And the movie "wanted" is so bad, i cough at its release. How can anyone come up with such a terrible plot, and how can names like James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman ever agree to such a horrible story i cannot comprehend. Basically, it sucks, so dun waste your money watching it. That aside, meeting anyone that does not involve some sort of "what hospital are you in now" exchange is enough to make me happy. Not to say that i dun like medicine people, that you've got it wrong, i miss medicine people. A great deal. It's just that seeing them makes me think of work, and I HATE thinking of work.

It was nice to see the movie gang again and i have made a mental note not to be caught out in my lab coat on wednesday when bala pops around. Haha.

I have reached a tinge of numbness where i have things to say and complain about, but when i meet up with friends close enough to ramble all these to, i just zone out and think of what nice movie should i catch next. Sometimes, i just think, they're not going to understand me, so why bother saying. Perhaps, this is why medicine people are dubbed "elitist" or just very "lonely" people. Which i have to say, i do not completely disagree.

What a weekend. The best part of it, honestly, besides spending a whole pile of time out and not studying (as i kept telling myself that i had to, but to no avail), i caught up on some MUCH NEEDED sleepy time. Seriously, i slept a good part of Saturday afternoon away, haha, perhaps that's why i'm a night person.

Ok, now is the time to take a deep breath in to prepare for the new hectic week ahead at TTSH. Work work work. Study study study. Someone teach me how to save myself.